WHAT I AM BECOMING
DRAPER’S PAPER ROUTE
WHAT I AM BECOMING
by Adam Carroll Draper
When I was in the fifth grade, I wanted to be a doctor. This was not a momentary fancy, but became a conviction and a passion. That conviction changed to the study of law when I was in the seventh grade (and the jury is still out on the efficacy of that decision), but I am recounting that here simply to punctuate that I was capable of profound sincerity at ten years old. This does not come as a surprise to anyone who has known me (and my capacity for dogmatism) for a while.
At Christmastime when I was ten, I found myself on my knees in our living room in front of the Christmas tree with my eyes toward heaven, asking God if he wanted me to be a doctor. Given the profundity of my prayer, I thought he might answer me right then and there, but he did not. I had a dream that night, however, and I will never, ever forget it.
In the dream, I was back in the living room, standing this time in front of the Christmas tree. There was a crucifix (which I still have) hanging on the wall to the left of the tree and I noticed that the figure of Jesus was not on the cross. Immediately, I knew that the Lord was in the room with me. I turned my gaze from the empty cross to see the Lord standing right in front of me. At first, I could think of nothing. It is like time and existence stopped. I was terrified in awe and overwhelmed, but slowly it dawned on me that he was there in answer to my prayer. I remember thinking in the dream, “Ask him!”
“Lord, do you want me to be a doctor?”
I expected him to tell me that I would indeed be a doctor. In fact, I expected him to say that I would be something like the Albert Schweitzer of doctors. I looked down to my right (as I still often do when concentrating on what is being said), waiting for the import of his answer to wash over me.
“You’re gong to be what I want you to be, Adam,” he said.
“Hunh?” I looked up, expecting to see him, but he was gone.
I woke up. It scared me so badly that I ran into my parents’ room, where my mom or my dad told me to go back to sleep. After dealing with the fright, I thought about how cool it was that I had seen the Lord and he had answered my prayer. I quickly came to think, however, that the Lord’s response was less than resoundingly direct. In fact, I took it to mean something like que sera sera. Decades later, I came accept the profundity of what he said. He was not just telling me not to worry about it. He was speaking over my life. I will be what he wants me to be. God himself spoke over my life in the same way he made all of creation!
The previous two missives in this Paper Route dealt with God’s names as revelations of his nature. I am offering this story, that has been so profoundly important in my life, as a vantage point for the revelation of his nature in his names. If you will recall, God referred to himself as Ehyeh Asher Ehyeh, which is most often translated in English to mean “I Am that I Am.” However, the literal translation is rendered something like, “I shall be what I am becoming.” I left it at that before, but I am going to elaborate on it a little more now.
“I shall be what I am becoming.” How is it possible for God to become, “with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.” (James 1:17). Of course, we see this over and over again in scripture. How did Moses change God’s mind as noted last week? We must come to understand God’s nature in relationship to us, his created beloved. Think about it this way, the Tenach (Old Testament) refers to God in the King James Version (KJV) as The Almighty (e.g. “He who dwelleth in the secret place of the Most High shall abide in the shadow of the Almighty). Psalms 91:1. What is rendered “The Almighty” in the KJV is El Shaddai in Hebrew. Literally, that can mean “the amply breasted.” It conveys that God is all sufficient, more than enough for us. In his names, God reveals the nature of his relationship to us, not necessarily his omnipotence or his omniscience.
Thinking about the literal meaning of Ehyeh Asher Ehyeh from the perspective of our relationship to God reveals something of him in us, his children. If God does not change, the literal rendering “I shall be what I am becoming” must reveal the divine nature in our relationship with him? What if the Father is revealing what we cannot know now, as when Moses could not see his face and live. It’s as if he is saying something like, “That’s for me to know, and for you to find out.” What if he is giving us a name to draw us in to experience him, saying something like “You will see me and grow in me as you experience me.” Remember 1 John 3:2, “Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is.”
This is the light in which I have come to understand what Jesus meant when he told me, “You’re going to be what I want you to be, Adam.” I could not see the totality of what he has planned for me any more than Moses could see his face, but what he spoke over me flows out of his nature. It is in his name: “I shall be what I am becoming.”
I know his word says that he wants me to be a partaker of the divine nature. 2 Peter 1:4. Hallelujah! How and when that happens, I do not know. Knowing that he said it is enough. I trust him.
I am reminded of Thomas Merton in The Seven Storey Mountain: “We cannot arrive at the perfect possession of God in this life, and that is why we are travelling and in darkness. But we already possess Him by grace, and therefore in that sense we have arrived and are dwelling in the light. But oh! How far have I to go to find You in Whom I have already arrived!”
God’s names are like invitations to us to explore the deep places in him. It is the relationship that he longs to have with us. Through that relationship, we are transformed into his image from glory to glory.
15 For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. 16 The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God: 17 And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together. 18 For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. 19 For the earnest expectation of the creature waiteth for the manifestation of the sons of God. Romans 8: 15-19.
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